


The Drunk History of the Australians' Underarm Problem

by redsnake05



Category: Cricket RPF, Drunk History
Genre: Cricket, Drunkenness, Footnotes, Gen, Trans-Tasman Rivalry, Treachery, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 12:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5457104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redsnake05/pseuds/redsnake05
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rivalry, beer, moustaches and treachery. It's 1981, and a cricket game between New Zealand and Australia is going to take a distinct turn for... something. A big word, I think. Where's my beer?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Drunk History of the Australians' Underarm Problem

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fresne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fresne/gifts).



> I'm sorry if you don't know anything about cricket. But I was trying to think of something from New Zealand that would be perfect for Drunk History and, well, this is what I've got. I believe I may have actually told this story while drunk. If not, I should have. I hope you like it anyway.
> 
> Anyway, if you are interested, here are some links:
> 
> [Wikipedia's simple summary](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Underarm_bowling_incident_of_1981)  
> [A video of the Incident](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K65_spUU05s), featuring hot cricket players from 1981  
> [ESPN's cricinfo puts it in perspective](http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/498574.html)
> 
> And in case you need a primer for cricket in general, try these:
> 
> [A simple explanation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqtpNkMvj5Y) featuring footage from the extravagant pyjama uniforms of the Indian Premier League, bless their obsession with gold lamé.  
> Cricket explained by [someone after they watched their first game.](http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/cricket-explained-by-an-american-whos-never-seen-cricket#.iqOD7A25z) I think they were possibly also drunk. Rather like quantum theory, if you're not profoundly shocked, you haven't understood it yet (thanks, Niels Bohr, for the quote)

So, I'll just say it, alright? I mean, I can say it. We're all friends here, aren't we? So I'll just say it. The Australians - none of you are Australians, right? - well, the Australians have an underarm problem.

There, I said it. 

I did ask if any of you were Australian, right?

So, it's 1981. Summer time, because we only play cricket in summer. In winter, we play rugby. Unless you're Australian. They play that weird game1 with the tight shorts and mullets. What do you mean they don't all have mullets?2

Anyway. New Zealand. Touring Australia. In summer. Probably lots of mullets. And, like, medallions and large moustaches. It was 19813. Even the uniforms had big lapels, and the coloured one day uniforms had just come in. We're there for the Benson and Hedges World Series Cup, because it was okay to have a cigarette while you played sports in 1981.

So, there we are. New Zealand is suave, see?4 We have, like, Richard Hadlee.5 And our team wears beige for one dayers. The Aussies wear yellow. It's important later. We've played two matches so far and the series is drawn, one each. Trans-Tasman rivalry is dripping from every pore, and men drink beer and play backyard cricket in their stubbies6 and their little towelling hats and a fog of competitive testosterone.

The game had been controversial - I'm impressed I can say that word, considering all the alcohol you bastards plied me with - when Greg Chappell refused to walk after being caught by Martin Sneddon. I mean, we're fucking gentlemen, aren't we? It's a game for fucking gentlemen, like Martin Sneddon, not degenerate moustache twirlers like Chappell. If Martin Sneddon says, like, "yeah mate, I got to your fucking ball and scooped it up before it touched the ground," then you should take his word for it. Martin Sneddon's not going to lie to you about that shit. He'll be like, "yeah, nah, it was a clean catch mate, now stop hanging round the pitch like a bad smell and get back to the sheds."

But Chappell scrunched up his face like a cat's arse, denied he was out, and went with the umpire's decision. Bastard. More about that bastard later, too. Moustache twirling bastard.

So, anyway, there was bat heaving and fast bowling, and lots and lots of 1981 debonair man about town-ness, by which I mean gratuitous adjustments of the box and suchlike, and eventually the last ball was reached. 

Now, there is a lot of rivalry between New Zealand and Australia that I don't want to get into. Probably Freudian. Something to do with the queen and competing for Mother England's favour or something, but I do not have the energy for that particular couch of psychoanalysis.7 I mean, I, personally, blame Australia, but that's partly because I'm drunk and partly because I'm drunk. Also, it's Australia's fault. 

But back to the cricket. So, there is Bruce Edgar8, 102 not out, at the non-strikers end. Did I mention it's the last ball? And New Zealand needs a six to win. Yes, that means the batsman needs to hit a six - no, really, are you taking the piss now? You bastard. At the striker's end, we have Brian McKenchie, the number 10 batsman. Yes, that means he's not a great batsman. Stop with the questions. Let me tell the fucking story.

Tension is high. The Australian bowler, Trevor Chappell, and Captain, Greg Chappell, are talking. Greg's putting the hard word on his brother. "They need a six to win, mate. A six. Can we do something to make sure they don't get it?"

And brother three - the oldest Chappell brother, Ian, is commentating9 \- is all like, "yeah, nah, he's batting at number ten, mate, and I've already taken two wickets this over. I'll just spear in a yorker10, mate, and they'll be done like a dinner."

Brother two, our moustache twirling bastard, wants to make sure, because he's all desperate to grind the kiwis under his boot or whatever11, so he's like, "yeah, nah, mate, how are you at bowling underarm?"

And then brother three, that's Trevor, is all flummoxed and nonplussed and confuzzled, because, well, underarm bowling wasn't _technically_ illegal, but I did mention how we're fucking gentlemen, right? But Greg's not having a bar of it, and he gives the ball to Trevor, and is all like, "mate, you're about to find out."

And then the umpires find out, and they have a little conference, because no one's happy, and only Australians know about it yet. It's only going to get worse, because now Trevor's actually got to bowl the fucking thing, and he's hesitating at the bowler's end, all indecisive and dithery, but Greg twirls his moustache and that's it, Trevor's got to bowl.

So he kind of takes a couple of steps and rolls it along the ground. I think we need slow motion for this one, because Trevor is ready to expire in un-Australian shame, McKenchie is about to block the ball and throw his bat - sadly not at Greg - and the shit's going to hit the fan big time. The ball rolls down the pitch as the cricket world collectively groans, and Australia wins the game. Fun fact: oldest Chappell brother, Ian, has actual conniptions in the commentary box. I bet holidays were fun in the family home for a while after that.12

The New Zealand batsmen stalk from the field, wrapped in the metaphorical cloak of a moral victory. Their dressing room is silent until someone smashes a teacup.13 Yes, a teacup. I don't know if he had his pinky extended or not.

The Australian crowd erupts into jeers, hisses, booing and, probably, outraged projectile vomiting.14 The Australian team, well, I don't know what they do. They could trudge off forlornly, in the wake of their leader. They could fling themselves on Trevor Chappell, delighted that he won the game for them. They could go to the NZ dressing room and penitently receive ceremonial floggings, but I don't think this is that sort of show. I mean, I think we should definitely get that one acted out, just to see how it looks. No? Are you sure? Perhaps just a little spanking, then?

There's no need to be rude about it.

Anyway, because bad can only get worse, Greg Chappell gets accosted by a little girl, who looks up at him with her adorable little girl face and sad little girl eyes, and she says, "what the fuck was with that fucking cheating, mate?"15 Because there can be nothing worse than the derision of a little girl, except, you know, for all the shit he and the rest of the team get heaped on them for the next little while. New Zealand's prime minister calls it cowardice and says it was appropriate they were wearing yellow, but this is the same Prime Minister that called a snap election and appeared on television to announce it clearly, obviously, bombastically drunk, so I don't think any Australians need to take it _that_ personally. 

Anyway. New Zealand win the next match, in New Zealand, in front of a New Zealand crowd, who very graciously don't lob deodorant bottles onto the field whenever an Australian is in range. We know they have an underarm problem. They know they have an underarm problem. All is well in the world.16

1\. The weird game is [Aussie Rules](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_rules_football).↩ 2\. [Mullets and Aussie Rules](http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/afl/catch-22-mullet-mania/story-fndy8ovz-1226451021566). Don't believe me? [AFL's greatest mullets](http://www.theage.com.au/photogallery/afl/afls-greatest-mullets-20120531-1zkcv.html)↩  
3\. Have [this picture](http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/06/12/article-2340485-1A48D737000005DC-198_634x449.jpg) of four Australian cricketers from the 1970s to show you what I mean↩  
4\. Okay, so they look cute [here](http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/photograph/38312/new-zealand-cricket-team-1981).↩  
5\. Who was involved in this [awesome feud](http://www.alloutcricket.com/cricket/features/rivalries-hadlee-v-coney)↩  
6\. No, really, stubbies are awesome: [proof](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSFCvG6curE)↩  
7\. See a round up [here](http://www.theguardian.com/sport/2015/oct/30/the-joy-of-six-off-the-pitch-clashes-between-australia-and-new-zealand)↩  
8\. [So debonair](http://www.sportsworldcards.com/ekmps/shops/sportsworld/images/new-zealand-bruce-edgar-1982-83-the-benson-hedges-world-series-cup-cricket-trading-card-37707-p%5Bekm%5D194x300%5Bekm%5D.jpg).↩  
9\. [Here they are together](http://resources3.news.com.au/images/2013/11/27/1226769/991971-6352cda6-574e-11e3-8974-69a7d7a3124c.jpg)↩  
10\. Have a video showing our villian, Greg Chappell, [getting done like a dinner by a yorker himself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKXQl3AGIaQ)↩  
11\. Much though it pains me to have to say it, [this transcript of an interview with him](http://www.abc.net.au/worldtoday/content/2004/s1035164.htm) does kind of support the idea that he maybe wasn't quite so completely bad as I am perhaps drunkenly making out.↩  
12\. Ian bought his Chirstmas cards from [Mean Cards](http://www.meancards.com/) for a while, or possibly from [KAA Illustrations](https://www.behance.net/gallery/29433815/Postcard-for-your-enemies).↩  
13\. The Slo-Mo guys [smash cups in slow motion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcQ37OfknJA). I like to think the cup dropped in the dressing room was a truly epic slow motion smash too.↩  
14\. The Australian crowd [can be adorable](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1EIKhOTxtk), just so you don't think I'm completely biased. ↩  
15\. [You've been told, Greg Chappell](https://memecrunch.com/meme/2M19Z/dafuq-little-girl-face/image.png?w=400&c=1)↩  
16\. They should have taken heed of [this Palmolive Gold ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfP-wASMikQ)↩


End file.
